Serial Bus

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How Large Hadron Collider caused a run on Wall Street?!

with 3 comments

You heard it here first!!

Markets are haywire, analysts are befuddled and Congress is well, ‘looking at all options’. Reams of pages and bytes of web-pages have been written about the recent crisis on Wall Street but I do not think anyone has yet made this connection.

The cause lies in a huge hula-hoop that is 17 miles in circumference and lies about 100 meters below the unsuspecting climes of Switzerland and France. Since journalists have not known anything like it before, they are yet to come up with a name for it that ordinary people can remember – until then, it is being called Large Hadron Collider (LHC). I firmly believe this is a scheme of physicists at the CERN (somehow this stands for European Organization for Nuclear Research) who do not want averages Joes like you and me to remember LHC, lest we make the connection with what happened 2 weeks back to Lehman Bros, an old-fashioned Jewish family business in NYC. (To me, these physicists seem hand in glove with the Wall Street whiz-kids who use the term CDO nearly as matter-of-factly.)

On 10th September, the mischief-makers at CERN, who also happen to have highest IQ scores amongst homo sapiens (if you exclude the Neanderthal Man, of which very few specimens remain), started running beams of protons through this huge underground tunnel, much like a subway train, only at more than 99% of light’s speed. To put that in context, this train can complete 11,000 rounds of this tunnel in one second. The only thing that travels at a speed higher than that is, well, light. And, by attempting this, man was trying to compete with the inventor of light, God. Also, this was supposed to reveal how the world was created. Again, God currently holds an indefinite copyright to this knowledge.

Monopolies don’t like competition and when it’s thrust upon them, they become nasty. We have seen this happen with Microsoft, British Airways and the East India Company. This time, it was cataclysmic. Since the catacombs of LHC are thinly-populated and physicists are anyways impoverished, God decided to direct his ire at their more deserving brethren.

God used the opportunity to melt down the famous Wall Street, home of some very well-fed people. What’s even better, since a collapse of the financial services industry spreads like a contagion to the entire economy, this can be considered a brilliant move by God. With one fell swoop, mortals all over Earth would get punished for either their own chutzpah or for their disquieting silence over others’. If you ask me, we did not leave God a choice, one that was morally expedient.

Don’t crib that you were not cautioned. Several conscientious intellectuals worked very hard to restrain CERN from acting upon its ungodly designs. Dan Brown even wrote a bestseller to help create a popular uprising against the evil of scientific pursuit. Closer to the doomsday, Prof Otto Rossler tried in vain to stop the experiment, by moving the European Court for Human Rights. He predicted it would generate black holes that would eat up the planet. I know he took to figurative speech when we needed it least but hey, we all have learnt from the great sage Nostradamus that a dire prophecy shouldn’t be announced in simple language, lest people understand and disbelieve it. So, the Axis of Evil prevailed, the switch was flicked and God said, ‘Let there be Recession!’.

Flirting with the basic building blocks of nature is blasphemy of the highest degree. The sooner we abort, the better it will be for the bonuses of bankers. What’s good for bankers is good for common people. And common people, as Obama has assured us, ‘are bitter and cling to religion’. It’s a virtuous cycle from God’s perspective.

It is a relief to know that corrective measures have been taken. Even before Henry Paulson announced his $700bn bail-out proposal, he made that all-important call to CERN. The LHC was halted on 19Sep08, before the particles could collide. In doing so, Henry Paulson inadvertently did a great favor to all the devout Hindus whose scripture Bhagavad Gita was about to be plagiarized again; there is good reason to believe that Robert Aymar would have borrowed from it for his speech on 21Oct08, when the collision was initially scheduled. He’d have said, ‘Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds!’  Believe me, he would meant it metaphorically.

We are safe at the moment. And, I am sure the Bush government will continue to prevail on CERN. After Bush, Palin will ensure that our future is not flirted with.

In the meantime, remember that, however ludicrous all the above sounds, you heard it here first!


Written by serialbus

September 28, 2008 at 11:01 am

3 Responses

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  1. dear serial bus,

    sure we heard it at serial bus might find it amusing to know that the supposed end of the world designs of the evil cern created quite a stir here in india with news channel beaming crudely made up stories predicting the end of the world and a girl even committed suicide in a village somewhere after watching a round of such news stories ..but, i seem to agree about the ire of god sent down to punish petty humans for trying to infringe on his copywright..:)


    September 29, 2008 at 12:00 am

  2. Very insightful indeed :).. if the LHC had glazed sugar coating all over it and Homer Simpson was a gigantosaurus, then he would have dug it up and said “yummm Doohhnuttt !!!!” ..

    kidding aside, even though this did sound ludicrous, it is still an interesting theory. Making statements like “earth is not the centre of the universe” or “man descended from apes” were not easy or life-altering (if you dont consider death as life-altering) for few folks in the past !!! keep posting…


    September 30, 2008 at 9:34 am

  3. hehe, I dont think the basics change, you still are as spiritual as you always were.


    October 12, 2008 at 4:40 am

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